So, I’m not okay…
Tonight, I am nothing. I have everyone I need & I love them, but at least one person I want I will never have now because I’m not sure that I will ever want him again. The question that’s been plaguing me lately is why I loved in the first place, and more pertinent, why am I still pretty sure that the things bordering on hate in me may prove how much I still love.
Maybe I found a truer answer than I want to admit…
The other day I stumbled across a quote on my friends facebook. Unlike the long list on my page, while I’m always wanting to add another judging by the hundreds of quotes on napkins in my pockets… She doesn’t have this problem, It’s the only one under her favorite quotations,
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Maybe she only needs one, it explains a lot. Enough even.
I have to admit I’ve never been fully satisfied with that quote, I haven’t liked it as much as I should.
But that’s probably due to a strong desire not to be okay with losing things I love. That may be unhealthy but I really think it’s just based in loving “too much” and being a little selfish about it. Not wanting to allow the things I love or have loved to move away from me, to die, to stop loving me, to not want me, to forget me.
I don’t know if it’s worse to think that someone cannot love you anymore or simply that they won’t. They’ve chosen to stop (if you really loved to begin with I’m not sure how this works). I don’t know how to take it when I say I love you and someone says “well, I don’t love you.” in all seriousness.
I started shaking, my insides felt like they were a million pieces coming apart & shifting into tears into bewildered thoughts into shaking hands a trembling, still beating heart and a horrible, unending, sinking feeling in my stomach. Someone else can hold me still to stop the shaking and eventually the tears dry, but no one can change, or help, or stop what’s inside me now. The brokenness stretches out, the lights get darker, all the magnified sounds, the words in slow motion, that montage of memories like a life flashing before your eyes, everything is acute and dull in an instant and then that instant stretches out for weeks & months and a few years… eventually you’ll heal. We will all eventually experience losing something or someone to death and most of us will also lose someone right in the midst of life. Probably as you lose them and come to terms with it, you will stat to feel everything again, you’ll remember how deep the happiness was, how perfect their adoration for you, how you followed their every word, loved their voice, believed in them and sometimes believed that it really couldn’t get much better than this. There are different types of love, but somethings about love are the same. The things at the core. Maybe you, like me, lost a boy, maybe a girl, a brother, a sister, maybe it was a Mother or your Daddy, your Grandparents, your Uncle or your Dog, whoever it was… Loss is Loss, and Love is Love.
And I think I’m starting to think maybe that quote is enough to almost complete all thoughts and feelings on the matter. Once you’ve loved you are changed, and no matter how it’s lost, it has touched you & you will never be the same again. That love will stay with you and somehow, you will always one way or another be better. You can get better if you let it run it’s course and that part of love, that part of your life, will help make the complete you. Whoever that is. It is better to have loved and lost…
Maybe there’s room for another quote,
“Nothing touches our lives but it is God Himself speaking.”
Or “It all happens for a reason, even when it’s wrong… Especially when it’s wrong”
Okay, I’ve emptied my pockets of quotes for the night & my racing mind. I’ll leave you with it.