keeping records

I started out here ready to nicely document my last week in an attempt to maybe make someone laugh. I don’t have it in me right now, not because I haven’t learned that humor helps make life less dramatic and more bearable… I would know, an all too keen appreciation for the comic and the ridiculous has gotten me in trouble more than once…

But I probably don’t have it in me because although my body has been playing errand girl at the lumber yard and at Lowes and in between times I’ve been cooking for 16, and playing school teacher to my little sister and answering phone calls and doing all this business until I’m too tired and sore to feel like blogging into my phone… My mind is running nonstop in different ways. I don’t have time to amuse anyone by laughingly writing off my frustration, because after a meeting that changed my year I’m rescheduling the next 6 months in my head, I’m literally making multiple lists in my head for every area of my life and my family’s life and our year and festivals and merch and new product and groceries and a new album, and the current album, and the cheapest place to buy milk and sugar and lettuce and flour and organizing the next festival and making this weeks menu and comparing prices on high-speed internet so I can turn it on while we are home so I can work and type these lists and many more into the computer…but I don’t have a computer anymore because the ancient laptop that I have everything on just broke out of the blue. It won’t turn on anymore and I keep reaching to look something up but I can’t because my laptop’s broken and I have no way to get a new one… Inconvenient but still much more bearable than the fact that while these lists and literally at least 50 more are running thru my head…
while I’m working and busy and organizing all the worlds problems away there’s a flashing neon sign in my head and a weary spot in my heart reminding me that there are other things I should be doing and everyday that passes I’m not getting any younger and if I’m not keeping house and making babies like a woman should, I should at least be making music, I should. I should allow that though everything I hide behind is good, it’s not everything…
But so much time has passed and it wasn’t because I wasn’t trying and I wasn’t using waiting on Gods
Timing as a facade or an excuse. There were times when building a platform for others was more important, and as I get another message asking if they’re on the stage this year and I have to say no…not this year, I’m torn. Because I want to give to others… So I guess my momentary pause tonight is this, is it pride in me that is wants something to show for all these years of work, or is it Gods timing? Finally a small piece of fulfillment of the years of work, promises, sweat, patience and
Tears…. Why am I giving pause to any question? I’m going downstairs to answer it.

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