my love/hate relationship (with trust)

The deepest love, hate relationship you will have is with the person you loved enough to show parts of your true self too, then when they betray you, you have no alibi, no protection from the horrifying vulnerability you displayed. The idea of facing them is a fear that magnifies with the unbidden memories of each passing hour… As the moment of reckoning grows closer you remember your openness and grimace at your weakness in letting yourself trust anyone, much less this traitor that waited til he knew about your stutter, your fear of germs, your childhood traumas and the ways you overcame most of them, your secret music snobbery, your scars and your inability to trust enough to tell anyone who you really are…waiting until then to betray you… But that’s why its betrayal isn’t it?

Because Jesus loved Judas it hurt, because he trusted him. The thing is all the while Jesus knew Judas had the ability to betray him, if he was safe he wouldn’t have trusted him…. But if we are always safe. Never risking anything, never trusting anyone and never bypassing our broken hearted walls of fear enough to love, we aren’t really living. We won’t be living life to the fullest.

Am I saying stop being cautious? not entirely, its good in moderation. But Faith is a risk we are asked to take, trust is a fearful, unsafe and dark unknown God wants us to step out into, its part of life more abundantly… trusting in Him first, who will keep us, then letting ourselves trust and love his people, who will undoubtedly hurt us and let us down. But they will also complete us and in those very Ups and downs character forms. In stepping into the dark unknown with only a rope we call Jesus as our safety, bearing our weakness, doubt and fear to Him, who loves us anyway… He strengthens us, we find that the girl we were last week, last year, before we surrendered into Gods unknown plan for our life, is not the same as who we are today. We find that walking in faith is much more than belief, its a way of life. It’s a surrender of safety and control. We are no longer hiding our weakness and imperfection and doubt, we are laying it all on he table and instead of a painful betrayal at the hands of a human, we find God who knew it all and was just waiting for us to admit it and trust him with it…He doesn’t turn and condemn us, or tell us how screwed up we are, or how crazy our weaknesses are, He tells us we are safe now. We are accepted with all our faults, His love is unconditional, not human. And if we can trust Him in thisour vulnerability, our greatest sins, humaness and failures we can certainly trust Him with our future’s. He will not only be there, He will be perfecting His plan in our lives as we abandon into fearful & wonderful trust.

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