I know, I know. I’m disappointed in me too. I, like you and every other decent human being expected myself to be writing wonderful, inspirational, excitement of change, new start, depression stopping, January type blogs… Complete with hope for writing more songs, books, journal entries with a fresh outlook on health, exercise and how important water is to your general well-being. I know I should, but I haven’t. I’d like to say I will. I may, but it’s just not in me right now. I’m not void of inspiration. I’m just void.
I realized recently as I was evaluating my lack of brilliance, with half hearted attempts at excellence every fortnight… That I haven’t been writing anything good for a long time, which of course in turn made me want to show that I still could… which I still haven’t.
Why? Why, have I been hiding myself in a cocoon of writers block while my heart has been a rich and fertile soil of content. Full of life, joys and heartbreaks, trauma’s triumphs and the day to day finding of beauty within the struggle? Someone should light a bonfire just behind me and see what good it does, because my own attempts are still sitting here, un-typed, half written, books half bound, songs I won’t sing or play.
Maybe it’s the cobwebs I’ve let creep from the corners of my mind down into my soul. Maybe it’s the nagging self doubt, and the fear of other’s image of me. I used to be myself. Now I’m a half breed. I have moments of not being afraid of my own confidence and moments of utter misery, where doubt, self pity and people’s faulty matchmaking attempts at my expense, ebb away at my belief in a perfect plan that I only have to take a step at a time with my daily bread and memorized promises will be what I used to know they were. They still are. I just have to get outside and forget there’s anybody else that matters. There’s only one who knows the plans “for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” He counts the hairs on my head not the day’s, and I know the accolades, the rewards I gain for taking a low road, and seeking a higher way, are not counted like diplomas and platinum records. I accepted that long ago, with the first steps of sacrifice and on days like this it pulls me back out of the block I build to keep from being vulnerable with you, with life.