A song was just running through my head, it’s so beautiful that it aches a little. One of the people dearest to me wrote it. She didn’t know when she wrote it that eventually things would scar me, people, events, until hearing her songs, would bring so many pieces seemingly pulled from my love life, to the surface… Until the sound of her voice starting a note would bring a time in life, all the sorrow of a relationship past, once its broken, so incredibly close I could feel it on the back of my neck…
A single line could take me through a year of joy and a year of sorrow. Today I found myself singing one of these lines and I told myself, I’m tired, so tired of not hearing that music because it hurts me so badly. I don’t want to never be moved again by a song that transports me for a moment to a safer place. Where earth, sorrow and pain are relative and poetry helps penetrate and soothe the wounds.
I don’t want to keep cutting myself off from music so that I don’t have to hear the memories it brings. I shut off one of my greatest joys to protect myself from the aching memory of one of my greatest pains.
And it doesn’t even work after all this. It’s not worth it.
My shoulder and right arm are temporarily useless. My collarbone is still in two loose pieces which cause pain when bumped or with any sudden movement or just for no reason at all except that I’m broken.
It’s been suggested that I never ski again, or that I hate snow and so forth. That I do nothing.dangerous… I could do that. But I’ll never be living completely.
I know, I need time to heal before getting close to danger, before exposing myself to any type of risk. But once I find out what’s beneath. Once I have surgery and time and perspective, I’ll start healing.
I can’t stop living because I’m hurt. Everything worthwhile has some risk. I have to accept and swallow that. Deep joy and pain can walk hand in hand. Though I’m in pain I have to remember not to shut myself off from joy.
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