Truth is…

I hope you don’t mind driving with me through the fog this morning…
In a few hours we should end up walking into a studio in Florida. I’ve probably waited for this moment most of my life. A culmination of many years work and many dreams I may have feared to dream.

But at this moment and in the weeks leading me to this point, I think I have wrestled with every doubt I’ve ever had in my mind. About myself, about my surroundings, about my abilities, about my inadequacies, about Gods timing. 

This morning going in to mixing on these beautiful songs, though I’m not doing the deep, brooding, questioning that I was earlier, still I wrestle with some unsettling demons… And my head and heart are more full of my weaknesses and the things that chip away at me than they are with music.

A moment ago or possibly 10 moments ago, back where the fog was thickest I had a moment… You may pause and laugh with me at the moment I just had using the word moment mere moments ago…

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A line came into my head, and I willed myself to play it over the pile of lies from the past that’s wrestling with my half waking conscience. A line from a song I probably haven’t heard in at least 15 years…  “You are my lifeline, you are my sanctuary, you are my torchlight, this is my testimony…” The portion of my heart and mind that are currently being dominated with memories of my past didn’t appreciate the intrusion, producing a general outcry over why I would give pause to such a simple, non-pretentious piece of writing… For a moment so lost in the memory of heart wrenching things I was reliving I didn’t respond to the musings a certain liar from my past was having. I wasn’t sure how to respond to his pretentious voice in my head, talking down about anything that didn’t suite his highly sophisticated fancy.

Then I started singing the line again, it was true… I haven’t gotten to the point in healing to where I can block out every thing that would tear me down. I can’t always tune out the things that harm me. But there’s a deep yearning in me for truth. Truth was resonating with my mind, heart and spirit. A flood of terrible thoughts was closing in on me and in the midst of it, I could suddenly see a light at the end of the tunnel… Not a huge epiphany or even a complex thought or line just a simple statement. This, this is the truth. And it was my lifeline, my sanctuary, my torchlight… The truth was suddenly all I knew for sure… This is my testimony.

I don’t know what kind of little preacher I think I am… I didn’t mean to get on a soapbox about an old song lyric. I just wanted for a minute, to share my struggle, my experience. Every day is a gift, every day you may have to face the facts of pain. That life has lots of pain to offer and will lend you much room for regret… You can live in that alone if you chose, bound within the lies of your past and kept there by your own doubts and self pity…

Or you can realize, as I did just now, as the sun is rising through the fog…. That this woman in such a straightforward way could speak truth and it would resonate with me some 20 years after she sang it… I have the potential to do the same, speak truth, even if its only my story, (its what I’ve lived to be true) and allow the honesty in it to be timeless.

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