Nearly right

Not So Easy A

My problem is, in general, that I have to do something right or I feel like something is wrong with me. So, after the month or so without a computer, and the longer sabbatical from a phone I could blog on. I finally got it all back together and started to take five minutes to blog, and I would realize I could not possibly write something worth reading, or condense the crowd of note worthy events left over from this Summer that I am still trying to document. So why would I write something not worth reading? I started to do the same routine tonight, talk myself out of it, then I started typing.

Because this thought crossed my mind, “what if I was as mindful with all of my actions as I was concerned about what I write? What if there was as much weight put into the careless words I drop everyday as I apparently put into my reasoning behind not throwing up a blog that doesn’t have any value?” Maybe I just played the perfectionist card as an excuse not to blog because I’m bone tired and I’ve been getting regular headaches, and I hate having any one hear my thoughts when things are too rough to follow the roller coaster of my own emotions. Maybe I did just use that excuse.

But I would like to say it’s true, I am afraid of doing things that I deem important unless I can do them well. I would venture to guess that I am not the only one who hides behind their own exaggerated standards? So, this excuse I used is a real thing I struggle with. And now that we’re talking this out, I’d like to sort it. What is the right balance and where all should I apply it? Because striving for a higher standard is not wrong, by any means… We are called to model ourselves after someone who raised the standard. As we grow we learn the delicate walk required to try to rise above in personal choices without self righteousness or condemnation, if others don’t choose the same road… As in, the majority of the world. It’s okay to better yourself, but never walk on someone else in the process. Make good choices, quietly.

Before I tangent into something my half sleeping mind can’t sustain tonight, I’ll close with this… Whether or not you are a perfectionist, who polishes the important things and maybe overlooks the casualties that fall to the wayside in your quest for perfection… Or if you’re well rounded and don’t have extreme’s like I do… I am sure there are still things you put your all into, and others you overlook. What I’m saying is…I find myself overlooking the wrong things. I find myself very capable of reaching a goal and equally capable of hurting everyone around me in the process.

What are your goals? What gets in the way? Goals are important, being able to throw yourself into something that could change the world is great. But don’t forget the things that should get in the way. Don’t hurt the ones you would love the most. Some of us have a lifelong, ongoing need to always get an A+ to be above average in one way or another, or as many ways as we can… Before anyone thinks it’s about pride, understand it’s not about being better or special, we just need to excel to feel human, just to feel okay, just to know we’re allowed to be alive. It’s hard for us to remember that it’s not all there is, it’s hard for us to let go of that, but I think it’s possible. It takes work, it takes a day at a time, stopping, waiting for others to catch up, shutting your mouth more often than you open it, investing as much in people as in work… But it can happen, just like this blog, that I keep starting to stop because it’s not what I planned, or wanted or expected it to be.

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I don’t always measure up with these things, I hardly ever have been what I wanted to be, what I knew I should be. It’s gonna be okay though. I’m learning to care about this moment as much as the next. I am learning to slow down, and to measure properly. The little things are more important than the big things… Words are important. My siblings are more important than my ambition. What I say or don’t say to people is more important than any greatness I can achieve at their expense.

Learn how to weigh things. Be willing to step on the scale yourself, to find yourself wanting and to accept it.

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