Half Full

Last Christmas my sister Jessica gave me a jar of happiness… Before you even roll your eyes, listen, the concept was very good. She filled it half full with papers with little “good things” about me and life in general… With instructions that I was to keep adding happy things thru the year…then at points (probably on days you need something good) look back at what’s in the jar. It was a great idea, good for me and probably good for anyone (a challenge for practically died in the wool pessimists, which I may or may not be one of) needless to say… I did not fill the jar.

She also bought me a sweet little blank book so I could write something good each day…. The book is the prettiest little blue half-full book… Insert some glass half full/book half full joke… It’s better than a book half empty… 😏 But really, it is.

She is the sweetest most supportive sister and friend I could ask for but even with multiple attempts at making it easy for me…At the end of the day I have to choose for myself to find the good in things, in life. I have to decide to always look for the beauty in the struggle even if it’s a strain to see it sometimes. Everyone decides to “want to again” on their own.

The very free will that allows me to choose the right way is the same one that got me headed down the wrong path in the first place. A blessing and a curse, this choice, for better or worse. Life beckons us, sometimes death beckons us. We have to stand in the gap for ourselves, when others best laid plans of saving us fail… Or when others leave us to fall on our own. At the end of the day the only way to fill that jar is to make a decision. It does not matter what curves life threw you, what friends failed you, who broke your heart, how many years you wasted, which job is lost, if love is lost, if you have to start over. Start.

Life beckons us, sometimes death beckons us. We have to stand in the gap for ourselves, when others best laid plans of saving us fail…

I make myself start again. I pick up the pen and write one thing in the book. Even if it’s a small thing I am only grasping at, even if I left the book empty for a month diving deeper into reasons not to go on. You can change your life in hopes of getting away from the struggle or you can sit still in the same one. Either way if you’re running from it, that pain that keeps you thrashing around. It doesn’t matter how you run, you won’t be whole. You don’t heal by ignoring the pain, the wound or the need. You don’t heal by walking away. You heal by choosing to keep going. You heal one day at a time, asking for mercy, recognizing what needs to be repaired and looking for reasons to mend. Write them down, one at a time.



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