Making Room for Myself

This morning I was reading and got this out of it…

Great pain actually creates the capacity for the greatest joy.

I’ve heard it before but… Listen, The deeper the pain runs, the more room there is to experience joy, happiness, love… What you sow in tears you’ll reap in joy. It’s beyond me but I do know this is real. The more your heart is stretched the better. Everything is more, bigger, like your being is intensified I don’t know… I want to reach that other side, whatever I’ve got to put in. I mean I guess it’s the run of the mill “to whom much is given much is required”, or “He who’s forgiven much the same loveth much…” It’s all over the place.

It took me awhile wrestling with some depression partly brought on by having to spend almost a year out of the loop, not quite myself because of a silly ski accident, with a little broken bone. It took me awhile to battle and feel like I was a somewhat whole, functioning version of myself again. After feeling like I wasn’t much, because my ability to do more and run faster and be stronger than things was broken, along with my collarbone.

I couldn’t do, I couldn’t be, I just wasn’t, I felt like I ended. I kept trying not to feel that way but often would succumb. Nobody wants to hear about this, I didn’t want to talk about it, because it was dumb, unnecessary. I felt like I would seem melodramatic. As everyone told me I just wanted to get all I could out of my injury. All I was getting was pain, an inability to be fast, efficient or athletic and an identity crisis. This is a relatively small pain in my life, just a minor setback. But the ripples of it I’ve had to wrestle with.

I’m okay now, I’m better than I was anyway. But while I wasn’t talking about it I was learning to overcome these new battles with myself, by myself. I’m thinking it’s not about joy or happiness or whatever, it’s about being a better version of who you’re made to be. A better version, with more room for life. The stretching, the strengthening, the battle to get there is yours. It’s work, but these days I’m thinking… I want to put in the work.

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